When the cherry tree in front of the house began to blossom in January, I was hit with a feeling of dread. Spring was coming; it would be here soon. I couldn't stop taking photos of that tree as it burst into bloom, then layered the ground with petals like snow, then sprouted little rusty leaves. And I couldn't get enough of the idea that the lemon tree grows right next to it. Sweet and Sour.
For several years I have had a strange relationship with Spring. I do enjoy the blossoming trees, the daffodils and all their cousins, the warming sun. But the feeling of leaving Winter, on into Spring, free-wheeling into Summer, has just left me uneasy. As I lay in bed a few nights ago, waiting for Andrew to fall asleep, I asked myself why. I used to think it was just because I really liked the rain, and sweaters. But then I had an epiphany.
I do have pleasant memories of Spring. I remember my freshman year of high school, getting ready in the morning listening to my then favorite song, feeling a warm rush of wind come in the window, I was filled with joy. I even remember the yellow tank top with pintucks on the front and ruffled edges I wore with white shorts. I think my hair was equally as ruffly.
After that, I realized while laying in bed the other night, a series of anxiety-provoking things would often occur in Spring, peppering into the joy. Like midterms, finals. Prom (mostly fun, but think about it...). Applying for Summer jobs. The end of the structure of the school year, the social unpredictability of Summer.
Spring into Summer of my college days was quite similar, minus prom. The social scene didn't matter to me anymore by then, either. But finding a job sure did. And there are other difficult events that have occurred in my life at this time of year that have added more uneasiness to the mix, too.
So, I've figured it out.
And I am moving on.
This year, I am ready to embrace Spring.
And when those old anxious feelings that come in with the warm breezes tap me on the shoulder, I will say, "Hello, I remember you. But I have better things to do now." And away they will blow. Isn't it funny how feelings from our past can haunt us for so long? How can it be that it took me so long to realize? "Hey Spring, nothing personal."
My first celebration of Spring is Valerie's birthday which is coming up soon. Then Spring Break at the beach. Visiting Grandma. Watching Enchanted April. Warm sun. April showers? More daylight. Happy, happy kids playing in the yard.
So much to look forward to!